Fall From Grace Page 13

  Chapter 17

  It was him.

  He was wearing jeans and a white T-shirt, and his hair looked disheveled like he had been running his hands through it. His head raised as her shadow blanketed over him, and his eyes met hers. They were hollow looking as if someone had erased every happy memory in his life and injected him with a virus of despair. In Stephanie’s mind, there was no question he desperately needed her help. His dark blue eyes were dull and held pain in them she would remember for the rest of her life.

  “Doctor.”

  “It’s just Kevin now,” he said in a monotone voice.

  “Kevin. I’m Stephanie, Rachel’s mother.”

  “I know who you are.” Kevin’s gaze drifted off to the beach.” I’m so sorry about your daughter. I tried everything. I really did. I don’t know what happened. There was a laceration, and I tried to resuscitate, but I just don’t know ...” His voice trailed away as he dropped his head and began wringing his hands together. His hands instantly stopped when a hand smaller than his own rested on top of them. He looked down at the small hand. It was delicate and gentle. He could hear the whisper of hushing sounds coming from above him.

  The man raised his tear-filled eyes to her, and in that instant, the full reality of his pain hit her like an unstoppable train. His eyes were rimmed with red, and his capillaries branched across his cornea like an overgrown vine. The tears tracked down his face, and he looked at her with sorrow so deep it made her catch her breath. “Shhhhh.”

  “I’m so sorry.” He began to sob. “If I could bring her back, I would. It’s all my fault.”

  Her hand squeezed one of his before she got down on one knee and spoke softly to him. “It’s not your fault. It was God’s will. I know you’re sorry, but if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re going to suffer even more. I thought I died that day too, but God has shown me a renewed purpose for my life, and I want the same thing for you.” Stephanie sighed deeply. “Don’t get me wrong, I miss my baby more than anything in this world, and I’d give anything to bring her back. But that’s not what’s in God’s plan, and I rest in the comfort of knowing she’s safe now and happy.”

  “How can you just act like everything is OK?” he said with a bitter tone. “I let her die. It’s my fault.” He pointed a finger into his chest.

  Sitting down on the step next to him she stroked her fingers through her hair and looked out at the waves as they crashed against the sandy shore. “You’re right, everything wasn’t okay in the beginning,” she acknowledged in a solemn voice. “The light of my life was taken from me. She was what I lived for. I still can’t even walk through the front door of our home without choking up or having some memory of the past that comes to haunt me.”

  Stephanie hesitated for a second as a lump began to form in her throat.

  “But the thing is, you didn’t take her from me. You were a part of God’s master plan, to be a tiny part of her fleeting existence on this earth. You were sort of like her backup angel, but sometimes even the angels can’t change what God has set in motion. God allowed the accident to take her from me. This was His will, and who am I to argue with God? I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did for my daughter. You gave her the best care she could have had in those last few minutes.”

  He looked at her with wonder as he said his next words. “What in the world could I have given her that night? I failed.”

  “No. You gave her more than any other human could possibly do for her, a last fighting chance at life. At least she wasn’t alone when she died, and that means more than anything to me. If she had been able to look into your eyes and see how much you cared, she wouldn’t have been as afraid.”

  He looked over at her and as she placed her hand in his again, he squeezed it tightly.

  “You know what I was going to do the day your father collapsed?”

  “No.”

  “I was headed to that gun shop on the corner.” Kevin’s throat tightened with emotion. “I didn’t see any reason to go on. Two young girls died on my watch and their deaths are my fault. Why do I get to keep living?”

  “I thought the rest of the girls died on impact that night?” Stephanie’s brows tilted downward.

  “They did. The other girl was my niece. It’s been years since that day, but the guilt hasn’t lessened any with time.”

  “If it is anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I should never have let Rachel go out that night.” Her eyes held unshed tears as she looked out at the sea.

  Kevin looked over at the woman and instantly knew he could ease some of her pain. If he could show her the reports of her daughter’s death, maybe she would stop blaming herself for all of Rachel’s misfortune. He grabbed her hand and stood to his feet. “Come on. There’s something I want to show you.”

  Stephanie nodded silently as she gained her feet and walked side by side with him back to the apartment. After she was sitting on the living room floor, he brought over a thick folder stuffed with papers for her to see. Without her knowledge, he had removed the disturbing pictures of her daughter knowing it wasn’t something she needed to see. He watched as she read the reports.

  Stephanie’s eyes bounced back and forth as she glanced through the papers. All five girls were without seatbelts when the car impacted the tree. Why weren’t they wearing their seatbelts? The report stated that if the girls had been restrained, they might have survived the crash. But because the occupants weren’t adequately protected, they were unnecessarily ejected from the car. Further down the report, she read the driver and passenger had died instantly. The other two girls in the back seat sustained fatal neck injuries and also died on impact. Rachel had been the only one who had a tiny window of opportunity to escape death. She had barely any scrapes or broken bones. But the laceration in the back of her head was deceiving. The windshield had pierced through the skull and into her brain matter.

  Kevin watched as the paper fell from the woman’s hand and she began to wail, her cries piercing through his heart. Her body trembled involuntarily as she sought comfort in his shoulder while his arms embraced her. When her uncontrolled sobbing eased into a soft whimper, she pulled back and looked at him. He gently wiped the tears from her face with a tissue, and then they looked into each other’s eyes with an understanding only someone who had lost a loved one would recognize. Then she spoke.

  “This wasn’t your fault. I’m grateful you were there to help her, just as I’m grateful you were there for my father. You saved his life.” He began to shake his head, and although he physically didn’t pull away from her, she felt his body stiffen as he withdrew emotionally. Stephanie knew she needed to make a big impression on Kevin in order to get his attention. She needed to think of a way to save him, something that would give him a new purpose in life, a purpose that would pull him from the miry bog of depression that had latched onto him.

  Then she thought of it. “Will you please help me?”

  “Help you?” Kevin gave her a puzzled look as he cocked his head to one side. “With what? Of course, I’ll do anything for you. It’s the least I can do to help.”

  “Good. That’s what I wanted to hear.”

  “Tell me, what is it you need help with?”

  “In healing. I want your support as I begin the healing process. In exchange, I’m willing to help support you through your pain. With God at the center of our healing, we can free ourselves from the past and help each other get better.”

  “But ...” He didn’t say another word. He looked at this woman. This remarkable woman who had the courage to accept the twisted fate life had given her and still give of herself to help him through his time of struggle. How could she still put her faith in a God who had allowed death to snatch the most important person in her life out of her hands? Kevin struggled to make sense of Stephanie’s calm reassurance. There was no question in his mind he would be indebted to her for the rest of his life. He owed her his life and more. How could he deny her such a simp
le request? The woman had suffered so much because of him, how could he not help her to move on with her life?

  Yet how could he now pray to a God he wasn’t sure he believed in anymore? His faith had been shaken to its core with the turn of recent events, and he wasn’t sure God could stop the downward spiral he had fallen into. How could he continue on with life facing a cloud of hopelessness each day? He felt guilty. Extremely guilty, and he needed to end the feelings that were spreading like an incurable disease inside him.

  There was only one way he knew of to do that. But the only obstacle standing in his way was the tender and compassionate woman sitting across from him on the floor. He owed Stephanie big time. She had lost everything because of him, and her life would continue to be haunted because of him. How could he not help her and do what she asked of him? He could hear the voice of doubt reach out to him.

  What can you do to help her? You’re nothing but a loser. A has been. Someone who threw their medical career down the toilet because you couldn’t get over the fact you caused Sarah’s death. You killed her. Don’t you ever forget it.

  Kevin tried to ignore the voice shouting inside his head.

  Look at you! You can’t even help yourself. Do you really think you can help this poor innocent woman? Do you really want to screw up her life even more?

  Kevin knew he wasn’t qualified to help her. Stephanie needed someone with professional training like a counselor or pastor, not a doctor in despair, struggling for a reason to stay alive on this earth. But as he looked down into her eyes, he felt a twinge of guilt at the thought of denying her anything. They were rimmed with red from the constant crying. The windows to her soul reflected sadness and loneliness from a woman who used to be alive with joy. She looked exhausted like her life had been torn from her, and it was all his fault. How could he not at least try for her?

  “Please. It would mean so much to me.” She sat up onto her knees and clasped his hand between hers. “I know what, let’s each pray together and submit it to God and see where He leads us.”

  Kevin wanted so badly to tell Stephanie how unfit he was for the job. How she would heal faster without him weighing her down like a ball and chain. That if she wanted to protect herself from experiencing another heart-wrenching tragedy, she needed to erase him from her life. She needed to forget about her mission of mercy to save him and focus her energies on saving herself instead.

  But all he could do was nod in silence.

  Stephanie looked over at the man as he bowed his head and closed his eyes to pray. A grin pushed up her cheeks, and she couldn’t help but feel her spirit soar higher than it had in the past. God had used her to bring a spark of hope into Kevin’s life, and now the rest was up to him. Stephanie closed her eyes to give thanks. She realized that her mother had been right all along. In helping him heal from his past, she would also be helping herself heal from losing the most important person in her life. Bending her head down, she began to pray with the man beside her.

  “Thank you, God for allowing me the opportunity to make a difference in Kevin’s life. For putting that spark of hope into his heart as you’ve done with mine. I pray you draw him near to you and show him the plans you have for his life. You’ve given him so much talent, so much potential to make a difference in the lives of sick and hurting people. Please fill him with your Spirit and take away the pain that’s consuming his life. Show him that you have a better life, a happier future for him if he commits his life to you. And please use me in whatever way you see fit to help him with his journey. Amen.”

  Stephanie didn’t know how long they had knelt there praying to God for guidance and help in the process of healing. It seemed like an eternity before she raised her head to meet his tear-filled eyes.

  “Thanks for praying for me. It’s been a long time since anyone has ever done that for me.”

  She could hear the sincerity in his voice. “You’re welcome.” She squeezed his hand tightly. “Don’t give up on life, Kevin. God has a better life waiting for you once you let go of the past and let Him take control. If you’re interested, you’re more than welcome to come along with me to my weeknight study group. We’re studying about how to move past the fears that keep us from living a free life.” Going to a Bible study had become part of her weekly ritual and had been vital in getting her on the road to healing. Stephanie had struggled with the same feelings of isolation Kevin was now experiencing, and she knew how important it was for him to be connected with a church group.

  “That sounds interesting, but I’ll admit it’s been a while since I’ve been to church. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready for that right now. I’m still struggling to know why He would allow me to go through so much suffering. God promises us He’ll never allow us to suffer more than we can bear, but it seems that promise kinda skipped over me during the last few years. Thanks for offering.” His tone was flat but polite.

  “No pressure. I understand you’re probably going through a lot right now. My offer will always be there when you’re ready. Is there anything else I can do for you?” She gazed at the pile of empty frozen food containers scattered along the kitchen counter. “It looks like you haven’t eaten a good meal in a while. Can I make you something to eat?”

  Kevin shook his head. “That’s nice of you to offer, but I don’t think there’s anything fresh that’s safe to eat in the frig.

  Stephanie wrinkled her nose with disgust. “You’re not much of a cook are you?”

  “Contrary to what it may appear, I can actually cook. It’s just that I don’t have any motivation to go through all the work.”

  “Okay, then maybe we can go out and grab a bite to eat. How does that sound?”

  Kevin heaved a heavy sigh. “Look, I really appreciate everything you’re trying to do but really, I’ll be okay. I’m really not that hungry right now, and I can manage to figure out something later. It may not look like I have the healthiest eating habits, but I’ve managed to survive so far.”

  Stephanie pursed her lips together and forced a breath from them. Something in the sound of his voice told her he didn’t believe his own words, but she knew there was nothing more she could do. She had done her best to offer him help. If the man across from her didn’t want to accept her help, all she could do was leave it in the hands of God. “Alright, then I won’t worry about it.”

  They sat in awkward silence for a few seconds before she spoke.

  “How do you like living by the ocean? I’ve always wondered what it’s like to live so close to the beach.”

  Kevin’s gaze drifted from the floor to her face. “It’s calming for me. I used to visit this place when I was a child, and I couldn’t forget how peaceful and beautiful it was up here. That’s one of the reasons I came back. I needed some time to get away after what happened and spend some time sorting things out.” There was more energy in his voice.

  “I love the beach too. I wish my parents had bought a place close to the beach, but the homes were a little bit out of their price range. Even my mother wished my father had purchased a home here, but he said they didn’t have enough down payment after their move from New York.”

  “Your parents came from New York? That must be a big change for them, coming from a crowded city with lots of culture.”

  “Yeah, it took them a while to get used to the small town atmosphere, but they love the mild weather here in California. Now they wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

  “I envy your parents. They’re lucky to live in this beautiful small town. LA can brag about its museums and fancy restaurants, but it can’t compare to Mendocino.”

  “Does that mean you’re planning to stay her for a while?” Stephanie’s voice sounded hopeful.

  Kevin lowered his gaze as his mouth turned down into a frown. “I’m not sure.”

  “Well, if you’re going to stay for a while up here, I’d be happy to show you around. I can show you a beautiful place to hike that offers a fantastic view of the rocks.”

&
nbsp; “You would?” His voice pitched higher before dropping back to a flat tone. “Thanks for the offer. I’ll keep it in mind.”

  There was another moment of uncomfortable silence before she finally smiled at him. “Well, I guess I’d better be going now. I’m glad I was able to find you.” Stephanie gazed directly into his eyes. “I really meant it when I said that I’m here for you. You can call me anytime, anywhere. I’ll continue praying for you.”

  “Thanks. You’ve been more than generous.” With an effort, his lips smiled appreciatively.

  Stephanie collected her purse, and he escorted her to her car. After a polite goodbye to each other, Stephanie made the drive back to her parents’ home.

  As she stared at the winding road ahead, Stephanie’s mind drifted back to the reports she had just read through. She couldn’t believe it. Rachel hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt? She had always worn it when she was driving. Stephanie now knew there was nothing that she could have been done to prevent her daughter’s accident. Sooner or later, the consequences of her daughter’s reckless behavior would have caught up with her. She knew this, and she hoped that Kevin understood this as well.

  She knew how he felt. She told herself a hundred times a day that she should have told Rachel no. She shouldn’t have let her ride with a driver who lacked good judgment and needed more experience behind the wheel. While Stephanie berated herself for being so lenient with Rachel, she knew that if she could relive the past, she would have done it all over again.

  How could Stephanie have denied her daughter the right to happiness? Rachel had been the one who had suffered the most with the divorce. Her spirit had been crushed when her father moved out. Even though she had turned a teenager, it had shaken her up more than Stephanie could have imagined.

  That was when the guilt set in. Stephanie was the one who had filed for divorce after finding out Thomas was seeing another woman. She was the one who had said she wanted it. She was the one who said she couldn’t pretend to love Thomas anymore, that her heart could never trust him again. So, in the end, it was her fault that her daughter was hurting. In order to appease her feelings of guilt, she had let Rachel do and get by with more than she should have. She would have given anything to go back in time and be the strong parent she should have been. But now that opportunity was gone forever, and fate had run its course.